You've spent the better part of 22 years being defined by grades. Now what?
My whole life, I was told that good grades were a must--a key to success in the future. I worked my hardest to keep the highest grades possible, forgoing social events and keeping a tightly-scheduled calendar of to-dos and extra studying to make sure I could stay on top. Weekends were valuable more so for uninterrupted study time than a chance to unwind; I could really get a head on my busy work for the upcoming week so I could spend my evenings tutoring other students.
In essence, my life--and my measure of self-worth--revolved around grades.
Graduation presented a real problem for me. For the first time in my conscious memory, there would be no grades to define my ability. I wouldn't have assignments to prove my worth. No midterms or final papers or presentation assignments would allow me to demonstrate just how good of a student I was.
In fact, I wasn't a student anymore. Proving I was a good one wasn't just unnecessary; it was irrelevant.
At 22, I had a real crisis of character. Who was I without a trail of great grades following me? Without them, was I worth anything?
Grades Do Not Define Worth
This is a lesson that I learned too late--one that became painful as a result. I can't really blame my parents for having emphasized grades so much; they are important, and they were critical to achieving goals like getting into certain schools and accessing certain opportunities on my college campus.
Nevertheless, I wish I hadn't put quite so much stock into grades as a facet of who I was. For years, I defined myself based on my fantastic academic record. Once I graduated, that part of me was still there, but it really didn't carry so much weight anymore. Instead, people were much more interested in work experience, internships, and volunteer work--activities I had largely forgone in an effort to maintain focus on my grades.
The reality is that grades are just a snapshot of our ability at one point in time.
They're also a snapshot of the circumstances of our lives. One student may be able to study for three hours every day and earn As while another has to work after school to help make ends meet and studies when she can, earning Bs and Cs; are we really to believe that the latter student is somehow less for juggling more?
What I've learned in the world after grades is that, in many cases, the effort that goes into your work and the dedication you show toward the to-dos on your plate are what people look for. Effort and grades don't always coincide; whether your grades are consistently high or maybe a bit lower than you'd like, those results alone don't define you--not even close.
How Can Students Help Themselves?
Like so many other aspects of life, developing a healthy relationship with grades and recognizing what they do and, perhaps most importantly, do not signify begins with our mindset. You'll likely hear as many opinions about grades as there are people giving those opinions, but it's up to you to decide what you integrate into your personal understanding of grades.
My outlook on academics really started to change when I met my future husband's family. His parents asked him how his computer science classes were going, some of which were particularly challenging. He was also balancing an on-campus job and having a girlfriend for the first time, so his attention was understandably split. As a result of all these circumstances, his averages that semester were a bit lower than his usual--a fact I looked at with embarrassingly judgemental eyes, knowing that, if the roles were reversed, I'd be getting a stern talking-to from my parents.
When he shared the challenges of the semester with him, I remember bracing for impact, expecting the weight of not-so-subtle disappointment to crash down onto his shoulders. Instead, I was amazed to hear his dad ask a series of questions: Are you going to all your classes? Are you turning in all your assignments? Are you getting the absolute most that you can from your classes and really trying your best? When my husband answered affirmatively to all, his dad's eyes lit up and he extended his hand for a high five.
"That's awesome, buddy!"
I remember my eyes instantly welling with tears because this was the first time in my entire life that I had so clearly seen a parent celebrate their child's growth and effort, even if those efforts hadn't resulted in tip-top grades.
It was a life-changing moment for me, and I still think about it on almost a weekly basis a full decade since that conversation.
So, how does this relate to how students can help themselves in not allowing grades to define their worth?
Be your own best support system. Be your biggest cheerleader. Take time to recognize what you have put into your work. If you have truly done your best, if you have applied yourself to the fullest extent you can, and if you have made strides forward relative to your own starting point, you're winning the game.
If you want to improve your grades, great! That's a wonderful goal, but it shouldn't become all-consuming or a finish line that denies you the opportunity to celebrate your successes and accomplishments until you reach a certain level. Any step forward is something worth celebrating; whether or not that step directly impacts your grade has no bearing on it being deserving of recognition.
For many high-achieving students, this shift is easier said than done. Nevertheless, it's an important lesson to start not only teaching yourself but actually living. It will give you the blueprint for still acknowledging your worth and ability even after grades are no longer part of your life.
How Can Parents Help?
Every parent wants their student to do well. But there's a fine line between encouraging your child and placing undue pressure on them.
Never take for granted that your student knows you're proud of them.
You may feel like this is a given, but your student needs to hear this just as often as they do any constructive criticism or recommendations you may send their way. As the child of a parent who unintentionally fell into a rut of telling others how proud they were of me without telling me directly, I can vouch that it's alarmingly easy as a kid to think that the absence of those words means that the pride must be absent, too, or that you must not be doing enough to earn it yet.
If you have younger children, set them up to develop a healthy relationship with grades. If your student comes home with a 24/25 on a quiz, don't just ask them why they missed one point; instead, celebrate the fantastic work they did on the vast majority of the quiz and encourage them to look at the one point missed as an opportunity to learn and adjust for the future.
Whatever you point out first in your child's work models what they'll point out to themselves as they get older, so be sure that what you say aligns with what you hope they'll say to themselves in the future.
If your students are older already and have already developed a reliance on using grades as a measure of worth, it's never too late to start modeling different ways of thinking.
Instead of asking them about grades and outcomes on assignments and assessments, consider asking them about what they've learned. Get them to focus on how they've grown: Are they now more confident in writing thesis statements? Have they developed better habits about double-checking work? Helping your student recognize and celebrate these signs of growth sets a precedent for gauging their performance by these more general metrics in the future.
How Can We Bridge the Gap?
It's never too early or too late to start encouraging your students to view grades as what they are: just one of many tools we can use to gauge performance.
They are not, nor should they be, a measure of worth.
We have the power and the responsibility to help those we teach, raise, and care for form healthy relationships with grades and their own self-images.